It’s tough to be a parent. It’s even tougher to co-parent with your ex, because everything requires a lot more communication and cooperation than it does in an intact relationship.
When the communications go well, co-parenting with your ex can be painless – but communications don’t always hit the mark. Everything your ex says can end up being a trigger for you, and vice-versa.
How do you remain calm when you’re triggered by your ex’s words?
Basically, experts recommend that you acknowledge the fact that your ex knows how to “push your buttons.” You are, at times, going to have a very real, very physical response to certain things that they say, and that can affect your emotional state.
How do you regain control when you’re triggered so that you don’t react in a way that escalates the situation into a conflict? Here are some suggestions:
- When the communication is by voicemail, email or text, remember that no rule says you have to respond to your ex immediately. Hit “pause” on your response and give yourself time to think about how to craft a response that will return the focus to present issues and your children’s needs. Give yourself 24 hours to reflect and figure out the most appropriate reply.
- When the communication is in “real-time,” via phone or direct interaction, you can still take a break by saying something like, “I know this is important to discuss, but I need to table this conversation until tomorrow.” You can offer an excuse (like an urgent appointment) or not, but the overall goal is to give yourself the space and time you need to react calmly and rationally.
Essentially, if you remove yourself from a situation where your flight-or-fight mechanisms are kicked into gear, you can regain the perspective that’s necessary for good co-parenting. If the struggle to find an effective co-parenting method with your ex becomes overwhelming, however, it may be time to seek legal guidance.
